It hurts..

I guess its age, class and values which are in opposition, causing the relation to be derailed. I'm writing this out of uneasiness which I feel because of this impasse. I'm well aware that this is the correct and difficult path and I have to take it still it hurts like a death as this is my personality. The motive behind this post is that I don't to regret that I haven't told what I have felt about you, which may be important to you.

I am satisfied that I have put in correct thing in right amount as per my experience and you were not even in the race. To make it simple, do you know anything which you have done for me which I have not done in twice of your magnitude. Yes I turned off my phone for two things, we were on break and wanted to know how much you want to contact me (as your ego was between to avail that option to contact me). Writing a blog, riding for you, drove you on pillion twice, I'm to call almost every time, got spaced from my friends and family, was always late for class because of you (as without you I was always on time), had patiently listened to your tantrum of almost everything. Where you even close?

If my correcting you is my fault then it is a best step and I valued my decision. You have obsessed with your uncle because you were at his mercy, but your talks make him worst. Repeatedly you keep on babbling about him, as if you don't care for my feelings. I learned form Karna, not correcting the crime in front of your eyes is participating in it. Just look at my punishments to you, wasn't it for you? Even your blood mother could not make you do it  and I hate her for knowing it and not doing anything, she is equally guilty. Now you would have drank a lot and smoked like anything as a freelancer, and definitely you have lost the right to come back to me.  And I'm dam sure your ego would not even allow you to come back. I know your ego you will not. Yes it hurt me but its my punishment of loving you.
You lied to me and lost the trust, I was not able to break up with you that day as I was too scared for myself. Incest for you or society in which you live may not be big deal but it is for normal people. I had a girl friend who was so close to me that she used to hug me in public. But once I encounter with her in mess which was after having you, I felt odd and resisted. Although I was polite in nature, she could sense the difference. That's the loyalty I speak about. I have my potential girlfriend followed up once you meet and with two talks I make it clear that she would not have me. Where is your such action, just a slip of dinner you would break the trust.

You have taken me too granted, my time is a utter waste you feel. Its seems that I am always suppose to talk to you. Let me tell you I used to call you before when I used to get time and generally at nights I used to stay awake for you. But it was last straw when you continuously babbling about. You with your friend don't have need for me, just don't talk for the sake of talking. Its wasted other people time. I was busy and had a work with my friend, thought I was trying to get myself free but you were unstoppable. Everybody was so annoyed by your call. Please don't treat your boyfriends as a slaves. Then to teach you a lesson I made 160 and more calls in 1hour and 30 minutes. Do you have even a fraction of a patient. You are impolite and expect that everybody should serve you. You born in rich family with allies, don't think that everything should be giving you attention. I curse you, your beauty and money will soon vanquish unless you earn it. I curse you...

Whatever pain I am feeling I would try my best till last of my breath to divert it to something positive. Even if I have to run a mile together I would run, even I have to swim wall to wall underwater I would do. And I wish that in the process the breath fades away at least the peace would follow.  I regret to even join the class else I would not have seen you at the first time. I wish I should not have be with you even a moment. My charm was enough to cynosure the attention to me in very good sense.
 

Analysis of this relationship

       After pondering of the state of relationship I have draw some conclusions which I feel, after going through the reasons you would be also agree upon. The only reason I stay in the relationships is because I would like to see my post life’s trailer.  And no one on this planet I am aware that is not seeking the happiness. In this analysis I am summing up to have serene life, hence I am calling for the collective motion.

1.    Maturity mismatch

This is classic as it was bound to happen with huge age difference. However in my case I was more considerate with older girls. It is said that females becomes mature before male counterpart and so is the reason that in a marriage men are older. In this relationship the difference is so much that this reason does not apply.

Owing to this difference our needs are different and expectations from each other are poles apart. This leads to boring and uninteresting relationship. The emotional support which we seek from each other does not exist because of this.
Well, you are younger so what is your fault? Irony is that you don’t seem to be aware of it.  To make my argument more lucid, I showed messages from your end to the people my friends who give unbiased views. In one word they replied was immature. 

2.       Spoiled

You are the spoiled one. And I am putting as a statement because I don’t want to have any doubts in it. You know you had several habits which is not correct. (If you want to judge that your habit is correct or not, then a way to do it is, tell yourself that its habit is taught by your mother or someone who loves you and tell see that you are happy about it. If your soul understands good things then this test will speak out for itself).

 You have taken a break from the bad habits and I have few restriction imposed on you, this all is good (Everything was for you). The underline problem is that you don’t realize that your lifestyle is bad. Till the time you don’t acknowledge that it is wrong, it will be always the burden for you.

You feel that your mother is torturing you. Well she is making you learn. However it is going to vain. You think your mother is not paying you enough, that is more than enough. She gives you extra for yours miscellaneous which is above all anchored expenses. You want money for party and to use up. Gandhiji once said there is enough resource for satisfying need of all but not for satisfying the greed of a single one. You are hunting for a job because you want to have extra source of income to fulfill your altruistic desires. You need personal transport always then you have to pay extra. In a nut shell you are spoiled.

3        3.     Big ego

Ego is expectation of recognition from others. You have a very big ego problem. Whenever you discussed that why people are saying this about you and why they think you are this kind, it is all ego of yours who speak. Ego eats up the relationship. I was putting it under the genera of immaturity and was always ignoring it, however it is stand alone problem.  You know why people say you are arrogant is because of ego. Why you come from YP gate because of ego. A little questions and ego gets hurts. Ego exists even in mature person so it does not fall in that department. Ego of your is so huge that it is going to create asperity in the relation in times to come. This will also lead to disharmony in my family. And you have not earned enough to take this chance with my family.
Let me have this opportunity to shatter your ego. Your family acknowledges to have relationship because the partners are enough valued with the counterparts. I know my family would not have resistance if you would have being in PhD or a doctor or doing a professional degree. Rather I was wondering how you sell saying that our child have done BSc in home science and were godly rich! Just wondering. Because this will not sail through my family as we appreciate the education. That a reason your matrimonial alliances are always rich as they too won’t appreciate education. I am not saying that doing that is good, never have I mentioned, I am just pointing out that our familial interest does not match. Your degree is not a problem to me until it is adding value to your knowledge. But it isn’t. When I mentioned about your degree to my friends to have unbiased views, they laughed, comments were does BSc have homescience (Abhishek), do they have exams, wondering (Sai), home science is a thing to do BSc (Reeshav) to point a few. Summing up my way is different than yours.

Because of all this your will not know why are you living but you will definitely know how to live. To answer, when you die what change you would see, you don’t have answer to this.

4     4.        Anger

You are a belligerent person. Which you have also acknowledged. This does not stop here. You have to work on it to remove this element from yours. I have told you to freeze when you get anger.  How many times you have to make a circuit back because of your anger. How many times you have yelled on me and stormed out. How many times you have hurt me physically. In my life I don’t want my time being wasted on venting off your rage. I want a happy life.

     

5      5.    Treating me as an alternative

This is hurtful. Either you are ashamed of me or you are not considering it to be some realistic, may be a time passing mode. Yes here I have my ego doweling. Because this will cause a huge difference in times to come. How does it matter, well let me enlighten you. Because of treating me as an alternative the efforts you put in and I put in are so apart that you fail miserably. 

Let me discuss my last case. Me staying at yours versus you staying at mines.

Me staying at yours	You staying at mines
1 BHK apartment	1 R
Stayed 4 times	Stayed not able to count times
Driving by cycle, bus (more efforts)	Driving by auto, bus (less efforts)
Washroom available	Needs bucket to pee
Illegal	Illegal at nights
Doubts with the people	People knows
If caught removed from apartment and Duby diatribe	If caught removed from hostel, diatribe in entire IIT (10k people), suspension from program.
After which search for new apartment and probably new agent	Termination of career
No no when your friend was staying. (probably ashamed or possessive)	Several times drove my friends out.

So this thing hurts. Things may be clear to you.

       Telling you all this things is useful for me to remind me of taking a correct step. And I personally feel that your lifestyle is different than mine which makes us incompatible. I would have compromised on the mentioned issue if there was no way back. But since we have a detour available, I agree to take it. 

Without any hard feelings, I am bidding farewell.

   

Questioning Sun

Prologue

 

Hi!

I'm writing this due to following consequences, first I don't get time to have this conversation with you. Second I can't ask you for time. 

I personally want to tell to you face on face as I could live in the moment.
Another thing I am worried that we may not be in same page. I mean that even if we are speaking about the same thing, we probability perceive the thing in different version (magnitude).

Therefore, I'm going to deal with metaphorically, in a manner which Vishnu Sharma had adopted in Panchatantra.
Further I'm going to use astronomical term because this is our common platform.

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   Questioning Sun

   You may be aware that in this know universe there are clusters of stars and out of which ~50% are binary in nature. The interesting thing about binary start is they don't revolve around each other but something which is center of their masses. If it get off that center it means that they would wobble and hence known as wobbling stars.  Which is fatal for both.

   With this goal lets see the genesis of binaries. Let's say Uranus is revolving around the Sun and it wants to become the binary with Sun. It has a mass and so the gravitational force but Sun's is unparalleled. It starts assiduously and makes a revolution, breaking the inertial barrier and sets an invariable orbital velocity.

   So far so good, however, looking from atomic perspective, and primordial Bhor's model;
The revolving electron falls to the nucleus. Extrapolating to our system, Uranus is falling towards the center (Sun), the separation between then is closing by. That's how it is divinely planned.
But....

   If falling particle (Back to atomic model) is Lennard Jone's particle, there is attractive force till the separation is less than sigma distance. Closer than sigma there is enormous repulsion to such an extend that in Hard sphere model it is termed as infinity. So if the Uranus gets closer than that distance (lets say that sigma is Asteroid belt which separates Jovian planets from terrestrial planets) then will be enormous aberration. Surely at that instant Uranus would be destroyed and Sun would be affected causing instability in entire solar system. That is when Sun is going to do when it is going to burn up all of its fuel and become the red giant, its expansion would envelop the terrestrial planet and Uranus if there would burn out. 

    That Uranus don't want to occur.

   Sun may have energy but don't want to exercise until a certain epoch but this uncertainty would be question of birth and cessation for Uranus. If there is no attractive Uranus wants to risk everything to get the warmth of the Sun, even ready revolve with vigor (reduce radius increases the angular velocity) and rotation would be unimaginable (denser planets rotates faster). If there is not interest in terrestrial planets region, then Uranus would be happy to exit the path, would cease everything and leave with great velocity and distance that even matrix of time won't be able decipher the conundrum of this path. It would be a dark body in space with no energy, light or soul, in the venture of death till eternity. 

   With a promise that Sun would not even get the glimpse that Uranus ever existed.

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Epilogue

Forgive my lousy writing, I wanted to convey something.
Please let me know the answer for the asked question.

Ending is neccessary for new begining

I have passionately seen all the episode of one of sitcom, HIMYM. I had the final episode but I averted to see it. In that span of a week I realized I am holding the end to the extend that I was loosing the very existence of the sitcom. It was peripheral mask which shows strong and powerful control, where as within I have already lost the battle. Somehow even that control broke and I saw ending of the entire saga. In which Mother dies. I was emotionally broken down and all the scenes of mother stood frozen in front of me. I was so broken that I was not aware what for I am crying. It slowly evolved, mother was never meant for the TV serial. It was somebody else and most perfect, which I agreed only after several permutation of perfect ending. But no matter what, I  always learnt a beautiful beginning emerged from the saddest of the ending.
We always want to prevent ending, by considering it's harmful. In fact its a change which is followed after that, and that's what we are scared of. But said changes are bad, rather, changes are the things which make life interesting. Only thing which comes to my mind for a constant life, is execution of unending computer programmes, which makes infinite numbers of iteration in a confined loop. Without the change life would have been  shades of grey. Changes are not largely associated with ends, corollary, ends are always related to changes.
Stability in life, I know we all desire. As a matter of fact we actually seek stable change through. We always wish every day should be new, different and dynamic. Which is nothing but the change. We want to live longer, so that we could fulfil all our dreams and stay with close proximity with your loved ones. Let's consider a hypothetical situation wherein we have achieved all we have desired, a long term desires (as short terms are subjected to sprout every instance and are nuisance ) Then what? ... It would be banal like exact condition of third voyage of Gulliver.  So profoundly, thoughts were those tales that they are facts even now.
End or a death for that matter is a crucial stage of one's life. If life has to grow, prosper and flourish, it has to undergo transformation with stage of end/death. Understanding the end have make me to see ending with respect. See ending as metamorphosis of personality and life will end in being reluctant of endings.

You are the one!

 One morning in IIT Bombay, an exchange student from Germany and local student were having their meals on the same table. They exchanged each other name and started knowing about each other's research. Slowly they started to know more about each other such as their hobbies, perspective.. Their meal was done and they climbed up the grand circular stair (Mess is underground) to move to their respective departments. The local guy has his cycle, parked just outside the mess, and asked the exchange student to wait for him. He went to his cycle and just pulled over and joined his newly made friend. The friend inquire, “You don't lock your cycle?” On this, this fellow replied, “I don't take anyone's, so none would take mine. Thus, I believe everyone is good” Such a innocent answer has new set of thinking, a manner to perceive the world and to modulate it.

Nobody is same, but isn't it true that everyone wants to be good, wants to be truthful to one's soul, wants to be ideal for others? And the answer is yes, this is the thing which is common. This is what would start a new revolution to lead one's life. Let me put this way – there is no thing which is bad. It is a way we perceive it. For example, in comparison of pigeon with earthworm, whom do you think bad (bad is not a good term)? Most of us would likely say earthworm, but if the same question is asked to a farmer, the answer would be other way round. Farmer, sees earthworm as his friend, who helps in fertilizing his soil, whereas, pegion as pest, who eat away his seeds. Thus, it depends on one's ability to perceive that the thing is good or not. Lets do an experiment, think of a thing which you feel is dirty/bad. Now, find out its origin, from where it have come from. Let's say, house hold dust, which we generally wipe out from our television screen. In a closed room from where such things can come in. It is generated, lets assume that its organic dust generated by you. It have been a part of your dead cell, lets say skin. Now how much we do care for our skin. So, nothing is as such bad.

We all know about the story of dog barking in house of mirrors, where all his image were barking back at him. If the dog would have greeted his image then all his reflection would have greeted him back. Similarly, this world is house of mirrors and all behaviour to oneself is nothing but our own reflection. The way we project our image in same manner we would see the reflection. This further explains the concept of pink goggles. When we are generally very happy, mirth in innocence, we see happiness everywhere, everything seems to be happier and pink, hence, pink goggles.

In VJTI Mumbai (Matunga) there is a SBI extension branch, if anyone would have visited the branch, they would realize that the entire branch is managed by single lady. Fair and beautiful, apart from that, what make her more adorable is her tender smile. Irrespective of our mood as soon as we step in the bank, we would rejuvenate. She has created such an environment in small place that one would always end one's conversation with thank you. Thus it is we, who craft our surrounding. What if one is in spoiled mood, how he/she can have this Midas touch on his/her surrounding? The answer lies in this question. Once a father has to wake his two sons, one of them is in deep sleep and other one is pretending. Whom the father would be able to wake up? If we are angry we can do two things; Firstly, we can pretend to be happy. How pretending to be happy could be answer? When we pretend that we are happy we automatically wear a smile and this smile makes the difference. Slowly, it dissolve the wall of pretendance and diffuse in our core. The outcome is one will be naturally be happy. It is worth trying. In the second approach, we can pretend that we can never loose our temper. When we say, "I would not loose my temper", this means that we are actually challenging ourselves in becoming angry. And knowingly it we can never be defeated. Thus resulting in happiness.

This treatment can be performed for all evils of human behaviour, which are, Kama (Lust), Krodh (Anger), Madha (Addiction), Lobh (Greed), Masther ( envy). This means one can be moral man and one's surrounding would be ideal environment. With this entire universe could be conceived as Heaven.

Cashless Economy 'Dcurrency'

    

      I had to pay 10 INR to a shopkeeper, I had plenty of options. I had old and fragile bank note, a brand new note, a note of 100 and some coin to make it 10. I gave him old note. What made me to go for it? Does value of money differers with different from? Answer is yes and no, although the economical value may be same but its total value is beyond that. When new 10 Rx coin came into the market I felt so special that  I hardly ever used it. Its value was defiantly beyond 10 Rs. 

      What do we do when we pay? We exchange its economical value. If one reads the currency note (India) it clearly mentioned that we exchange things of same value of currency. It also means, currency don't have any value of its own, its a sort of token for a value which is printed upon it. Si how are we going to eradicate this incongruity of values from currency?

      The excellent solution is cash less economy. After all what is the purpose of currency? Its only its economical value. so like credit card if we all have some sort of electronic medium then we could really solve the issue. Let call this medium as Dcurrency (Reg). Lets see the cons' of such system.

1. Unknown debit from one's account 

     It is possible like in actual credit card we have to undergo unknown charges. but it can be sorted out simply by changing the mode of operation. Like to debit amount from one's account he/ she have to swipe / tap one's Dcurrency (Reg). So there won't be any unknown debit. There would be definitely no problem with crediting into one's account.

2.Misuse of Dcurrency(Reg)

    There are two points to it

a. Haven't we loose our wallet full of money? Same is the case with Dcurrency. If we loose it anyone could have access to our account. But being digitalized we could baffle this, by incorporating password/ pin. But if it would be for all the transitions like bus ticket or train counter then there would be accumulation  of huge delays. So the best solution would be using different level of security. On an average one keeps 500 INR in one's wallet, it could be made to do any transitions up to 300 INR and beyond that one have to put in pin upto 1000 INR and so on. One can customize the security as per one's will, after all its one's decision how much to carry in one's wallet.

 b. Other point is making it implanted. I have seen elephant in south being kept under track by implanting a small chip behind their ears. So we can make similar implants in our left carpel. This would be be nice exercise and topic of research for medical peoples. Lets stick to the topic of Dcurrency(Reg) and not digress to medical things, but let me put up its not at all difficult.

  3. System failure or power failure.

      Like in current electronic money if server is down there is offline processing which updates the data as soon as server is connected back. same can be done that too without delay. For power failure, the Dcurrency(Reg) should be used as magnetic inducted tap to access one's accounts in offline  mode. Its like opening digital door using magnetic strip. Power requirement is less but still we could count on adapters and batteries. Moreover new India would not be power down country.

     If entire establishment of system have to change then it should behave a huge advantages. And in fact it has.,

1. All the problems arising due to physical currency would be eradicated.

   RBI dispose soiled notes of worth 2 lakh core per year and smaller denomination accounts for 13 billion units. Smaller denominations such as 1, 2,5, 10 are circulated in huge volume but has average life less than a year. And also contributes to lower percentage of entire value. With Dcurrency(Reg) this won't be there. One would also need to carry wallet full of money, risk of getting it lost would always be there. The issue of fake note damage notes with general public would be completely be removed. The complications arising to get exact fare would be solved. 

2. Faster economy

     We already know we don't have to spend time in queue, just a tap and go. Not only this the delays in en-cashing checks, bank transition would also be scrubbed away. Everything would be online so there won't be situation when the money is in no man's land as in online transition currently. 

3. Expenses in making currency

 RBI won't have to print them, they won't have to spent on its security, transportation, verification these all would be irrelevant. Move over RBI won't have to use up its gold and would help in conserving reserves for country. 

4. Prevention of illegal means.

The anti social factors like corruption, begging illegal transition would be dead stopped. As all transition would be recorded and everything could be traced back. Accounting and everything could be done in a click.

One can always get detail abut oneself via mobile or bu call after verification. ATM could be used for online transition, nothing could go waste. accounts ca be related, hoarding, illegal trafficking can be easily be seen. There is so much about it. One of such initiation is taken by ITZ Cash in IITB where Dcurrency(Reg) is used in name of ITZ Cash of size similar to SD card attached to a mobile. It is used in place of cash. But it is yet to show that much success. because the vendors are not able to use the Tapping machine, and they prefer tradition currency as their contractors are out of IITB. If entire system is made to go by Dcurrency(Reg) it would be surely a success. And we would live in Cashless Economy.

ITZ Cash on mobile

I have a lucky 10 Rs coin and I am going to keep it forever, but I am going to keep only one.

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Footnote:-

Dcurrency- Stands for digitalized currency, Registered by the author OW61649 on Myows on 2013-06-27 at 05:38:50 GMT. 

Jiah We Miss You

   Today is almost a week for Jiah’s suicide. It was 3^rd of June I realize that she has hanged herself in her Sagar Sangeet apartment at Juhu. It was shock not only for me but for most eminent personalities from film industry. I decided to wait and to know all about this. It was really shocking she was not involved in anything annoying, how all of sudden she decided to take this extreme step!?

   The transcript of her suicide note was posted on Time of India website, and I guess every one of us might have at least once scanned it under one’s eyes. I could don’t believe myself, that she was involved to this extend.  She was born on 20^th Feb 1988, few months older to me, in a well groomed family at New York. She have also performed excellently well in her filming studies, she have received 5 times A grading in Film studies and literature, London. She had got to meet several people of different kinds, she was very mature and confident person. When she the role opposite to Amitabh Bachchan in Nisabd in 2007 she had a zeal to act in such a controversial movie, and specially she was taken back from Tumsa Nahin Dekha for the mature role to play. I adore such a daring one can posses and that too in her debut film. The girl must be a real passionate about such things.

   No doubt she follows the footsteps of Angelina Jolie since she has changed her name from Nafisa to Jiah after the release of Gia in 1998. But her role model was her mother who hails from Lucknow  and was also a Hindi movies actress. She has also single handed supported her. Jiah was inspired by movie Rangeela and she was very small at that time. But how fortunate she was, as she got to act opposite to Amir Khan in Ghajini. She had a real talent embed in her. She was very mature for her age group. But how could she take such an extreme step to end up her life?

   Her note reveals that she was in relationship with Suraj Pancholi. Love is divine as I always say. It has miraculous effect on everyone. But it also has cons. Being in a relationship, nowadays, no one can be excluded. People are now mature and have an authority to select one’s partner.  Rather I would say, if one want to know about oneself (most of us will think we know already, but ask to describe in 10 lines it will take a nerve out of us) the best think is to get in a fair relationship. It altogether a different experience. But a warning don’t be blind or an idiot. You have a capability to think for yourself. Jiah was right to be in the relationship. She was mature enough and was aware of everything. There was a great mishap in her relationship. We become frustrated when the things expected are not returned in the same magnitude. This happened with poor Jiah, she had expected a justified treatment and she could not fetch it. The note also reveals that she had given everything for a relation what a girl of her age could not do that simply. But she had nothing in her hand after that. She had put up her 10 years of her carrier to risk didn’t bother for it even for a moment. Truly selfless.

   Dear Jiah, we would be always be missing your absence in film industry. You were a bold character in everyone’s heart. If you could have just shared your feeling with your mother or sister or any of your close friends, I am sure you could have not taken this decision. You were so smart anybody could have been fallen for you. You still had not seen the beauty of this world. Suicide was never an option for you.

  

We love you. And we all morn for you. May your soul find peace in heaven

.

Amen.